Zombies & Shit

I've been in recovery mode after having gotten my wisdom teeth removed this Tuesday, so I've mostly been lying in bed, keeping hydrated, consuming mashed potatoes and apple sauce and watching "The Walking Dead". 

As a result, I am absolutely certain that a Zombie Apocalypse is upon us. And no, it's not just because I'm a few episodes short of finishing off the second season. For the past week, all sorts of weird shit has been happening.

A low-budget porn actor is wanted for apparently hacking at someone with an ice pick, then copulating and consuming parts of the body, only to mail off limbs to places in Ottawa. 

What the fuck, right? Not only that, but he recorded that shit and put the torso in a suitcase behind his building. 

But you think that's weird?

What about the Maryland college student who killed his housemate and kept tins under his bed with the head and feet of the victim and left the rest of the body by some church?

Pretty disgusting -especially since he admitted to eating the heart and a portion of the brains.

And while we're on the subject of eating body parts, there's that case in Miami about the naked dude eating the face of some homeless naked dude. 

The difference between this case and the other 2 is that this didn't seem pre-meditated at all. Not only that, but it was in broad daylight, out in public, no hacking off of limbs and preserving them or mailing them, the guy didn't make a run for it and the assailant and the victim were strangers (which doesn't seem to be the case with the other 2).

What makes the Miami case a little more unique in comparison is that when he was approached by an officer, he didn't speak. He was growling and still eating the victim's face until he was gunned down and died at the scene.

Pretty gruesome stuff. 

Anyway, the internet is going crazy with zombie apocalypse stuff and it makes me wonder: Would I even survive that shit? I'd like to think that I would and I'd definitely put up a fight. 

I've dealt with enough shit from the living to just put my hands up and give in to some brain retarded flesh eating fuck face, but let's be honest here-

I ain't got no gun training. The most I have is practice with a whip (it's not what you think, you perv) and a machete. Unless zombies are horses and sugar cane, I'm fucked.

Regardless, if I heard about some safe haven, would I stay or would I go?

If I went, what would I take with me?

If loved ones were scattered or missing, would I look for them?

If I found out a loved one became a zombie, would I be able to kill it?

If there were a safe haven, I probably wouldn't go since it would be a new society held together by frightened people who will eventually fall apart because they all see themselves fit to be ruler AND the person running it from the start is probably the person who wants to either solve the zombie problem (which could lead to contamination from within) or wants to encourage the zombie problem so that they can rule the world once the zombies resort to eating each other and just plain die off.

Though the latter seems fair, it indicates a narcissistic personality and chances are that person will want to repopulate the world with something called "Project Regenesis" by systematically pairing people together to procreate and anyone who questions the Project will be killed or told to do manual labour until they die of exhaustion which would be best because then the resources would be better used for those engaged in the Project.

But I digress. 

Not fleeing for the safe haven is your best bet because there might not be enough room, anyway. If you stay, you get your pick of what people left behind. That's a LOT of supplies, so really it's just a matter of picking and choosing where you want to live and what you want to keep with you.

If loved ones were scattered or missing, I'm not gonna lie, I would look for them. It's probably the stupidest thing to do, but I'd do it anyway. If I found a loved one and I saw that they were zombified, I'd say a prayer and kill them. Yes, it's probably a curable disease, but that's not what's running through my brain when they're after my brain.

But who knows? I might react differently in that situation. IF that situation were to ever arise. And hopefully it won't. 

If it does, then we're all pretty fucked.

But here's a question no one really poses in this hypothetical situation, probably because it's even more ridiculous than the hypothetical situation in question: What kind of zombie would you be?

Duh, the brain eating type of course. Like there's another kind, right?

WRONG!

I wouldn't eat brains. I would be too busy hoarding all the stray cats and playing with them and going into the abandoned grocery stores to get them cat food, making sure to dodge humans so that they don't kill me.

So if you see me zombified and you feel the need to kill me, please look after my cats.