You Got It All Wrong

Don’t you ever just sing along with a song, spittin’ out whatever it is you hear, even when it doesn’t make any sense?

Sure there’s the usual “bathroom on the right” (CCR’s “Bad Moon Rising”), “revved up like a douche” and “with a boner on his shoulder” (Manfred Mann’s “Blinded By The Light”) and “hold me closer Tony Danza” (Elton John’s “Tiny Dancer”), but the more songs I think about, the more I wonder if I’m butchering any others…

My most recent fuck-up was when my fiancé was rapping “Lose Yourself” by Eminem. Who knew that the lyrics were “palms are sweaty” and not “Mom’s spaghetti”?

Or how about Bonnie Tyler’s “Total Eclipse of the Heart”? Turns out, she’s saying, “we’re living in a powder keg” NOT “we’re leaving in a Powder kid” (like a reference to that movie “Powder”).

“Bootylicious” by Destiny’s Child? I always sang the intro as “let a move, we arrive, lookin’ sexy, lookin’ fly, bad as chick, chick aside, DJ, channel 9, Spiderman, tender thing, there you, are come on baby…”

 

Clearly, I was wrong.

Fallout Boy’s “Sugar We’re Going Down” isn’t “we’re going down der literally around.”

“Needles” by SOAD doesn’t say, “my tapir tells me what to do” nor do they say, “pull the tapir out of your arrest”. 

I won’t list all the things I’ve misheard in “Give It Away Now” by Red Hot Chili Peppers, but they definitely don’t say “huckleberry buddy wanna keep it like a Kaiser” “Bob Marley throwin’ in a puppet” or “look at me swimmin’ in my Billy Jean”.

Probably the only song that most people babble through and which I haven’t fugged up is “Macarena”. When I was young and kids at school said “wekjfhaksjhdfkha Macarena EH MACARENA!” it made me want to grab a rock and bash it into their skulls while singing, “dale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena”, then drop the rock, wiggle my butt in front of the corpse and shout, “EH MACARENA!”

Sure it’s a pretty violent fantasy for a schoolgirl, but it’s funny when you know what the lyrics mean. 

…Though the more I think about the lyrics, the more I wonder -was he singing about a stripper? 

 

And mi abuelita once gave me money for showing her the Macarena dance! And she LAUGHED!

It’s moments like these I realize how ridiculous my life-story would be.